April 01, 2002

Adventures in HR

That photo is by future Kiwi Keith Kie, who caught me actually working at our office today. Well, not really working- more like answering an email Employment received today. There are many more emails like it. Every day. Always. As a boredom antidote I have chosen to respond to each individual point to maximize this person's shame and embarassment.

>Are ya up to speed? Technologically speaking that is... Yet your recruitment for technologist is still in the "Dark Ages".

Oh, sorry. Let us take time out of our valuable day to totally change our hiring process to cater to each specific need of the hundreds of applicants we hear from every day. Believe it or not, there are some things that we’re just not able to do yet, like electronic signatures.

>>A. You assume we have all the resources you require, which is a pretty $hitty defer-

Wait a second. That $ sign is a big “Don’t take my pathetic whining seriously!!” If you’re gonna swear, have a backbone and do it without the geeky pseudo-slang. OK, go on:

>>ment and segragation technique for a University; like: time,

Well, I’d certainly hope so.


I’d hope so here too. Look, if you can’t get up off your ass to fill out an application, don’t be such a baby. Lots of folks do it every day, and you’re no different.


There’s the rub, hmm? Quite a catch-22, yes, I understand. However, if you’re enough of a resourceful person to draw water from stone, or money from nothing, we’d certainly love working with you and would appropriately compensate your efforts. That’s not a promise, of course.

>>gas, a car,

Not me, pal. I bike to work. You assume too much yourself.

>>a computer, an ISP, internet access, a printer, paper, ink,

Well, what happened to your computer? Where did you learn your precious skills that would qualify you for this job? There’s lots of public places to access all of this stuff, like say, the library. You do read, don’t you?

>>a phone, extra money (new term),and on and on and on and on... I thought all one should need is the talent, the will, the desire and a chance, RIGHT!

Kind of. So how old are you, exactly? This is some awfully idealistic and naïve spew coming out of yon hole of yours.

>>Puttin' us to work already, aye?

Um, no. I thought that was the problem you had with us, actually, that we didn’t just give you the job like a free handout.

>>1. Download and print out a PDF App = Takes time and wastes paper (download 2 apps in case a mistake) Environmentally unnecessary, unconscious, disconcerted acts make me mad.

I’m sorry to hear that. Really. How about just downloading one copy onto your system and modifying it whenever you want to apply for a job? No! Surely not! That’s infinitely too easier, but wait, there’s more- it’s a Word document as well. Of course, environmentally conscious dudes like yourself probably boycott Microsoft, hmmm? Recycle the extra paper, doofus.

>>2. Fill out the 5 page app = hours of (my) time

Really? It takes you hours to fill that little thing out? How slow are you?

>>3. Send it back via snail-mail and the chances of you calling me days, even weeks later, are in the 1000s because I'm not local.

Are they that high? Are you sure? Have you checked? Like I said, we can’t process electronic signatures. As for the time period, bureaucrats move very slowly. That’s why we always drink coffee and take breaks. A university campus moves especially snail-paced, except for its labor relations department, which conversely moves hyperkinetically fast in order to cater to each childlike whim of our local union representatives.

>>4. You expect "us" to sit on pins-and-needles until you decide if I am worthy, or am I standing in a long, long, line.

Of course we do. It proves your mettle under pressure. You must not enjoy rejection very much, I gather.

>>5. Call you say. Again, technology omits having to spend extra $$$ for, I'm sure will be more than one long-distant call, just to be put on hold..., huh?. Right!!?

Wrong. We ask you to call so often because we’re lonely. Bureaucrats are sad, ugly, and lonely people, and we’re so desperate to talk to folks that we publicly implore them to call. Often. It’s totally opposite of what you think. We do enjoy periodically inflicting our pain upon others, however, as all humans do.

>>Are you paying me for my time? No! Hence you don't value my time.., only yours.

You jump to too many conclusions. To tell you the truth, I don’t value my time when I’m at work. You’ve been so self-righteously rude that it’s been fairly easy to not value your time. Besides, why the hell should we pay you for your time unless you’re some kind of fake professional consultant?

>>You want all our personal info, to confess our hearts and souls, beg, and our SS#,

We don’t want you to confess anything, unless of course you’ve been convicted of a felony. We don’t want all your personal info, and that which we do want is confidential. Honest. We have never, ever, ever asked for someone’s SS# on an application. That’s just stupid, and you’re stupid for assuming so.

>>when I don't know who's reading it, or who has access to it.., numerious Student Assistants I am sure?

Yep, but they try not to laugh too hard.

>>Only so YOU can scrutinize me!

Me? Listen pal, I decided otherwise a very long time ago!

>>How much talent passes you by? We are computer folks who are more capable than this.

Talent undoubtedly passes us by, especially when they ask for a higher salary than we can afford to pay. State funds are limited, and that’s the truth. We’re OK with losing out on the more arrogant and selfish types of “computer folks”.

>>Why should we bother? We can apply for 1000s of well paying jobs local and abroad in minutes.

Wait, are you dragging the rest of the “computer folks” into this thing with you? That’s a no-no; you don’t even know how the majority of them feel- most of them are still too afraid to even unionize.

>>I don't fill out apps until we talk and we both agree there's a definite possibility AND that we are NOT waisting each-others time, energy and money AND there's a 90% chance I'm a candidate.

Then you don’t fill out apps at all and we don’t hire you. Sorry, now you’re being unreasonable, mostly because that’s not how the real world does business. That’s giving you too much leverage that, based upon first impressions, you don’t really deserve. We get too many people who are happy to apply our way to pay attention to whiny punks like you. Unless of course you’re joking- but it’s not really wasting my time so I don’t care.

>>You should request resumes.

Resumes are fine. Just not unsolicited and not without an application. Talk to Gray Davis about this, please. I’m sure he’d care a little more than me.

>>Under staffed?

No. Don’t be an idiot.

>>Over budget?

Yes. Pay your fucking taxes so I can eat, asshole.

>>Over worked?

Not in the least. I wouldn’t be here if I was.

>>Beyond your control?

Yes, but that’s beside the point. I wouldn’t want that kind of responsibility here.

>>Do I wanna work in this kinda cob-web?

Probably not, but then why did you send us such a wimpy polemic attacking our hiring practices?

>>It's Policy.., How do you change policy? Get enough folks to bitch about it. :-D

Ha! If it were that easy, I’d be sitting at my desk half-naked surrounded by the Bahamas bikini team.

>>I'm poor.

Bummer. So am I- these jobs don't pay as much as you think.

>>I have no stamps, no gas, nor have I had dinner or breakfast, but I have over a decade of experience >>and 3 certifications to include a (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer) MCSE in MS 2000.

Wow, that’s nice. You sound somewhat qualified. Maybe you should stop bitching and apply.

>>Ya'll better wake-up and snap out of it. Omit accient policy and get on the ball!!!

Or else what? What are you going to do about it?

>>You make me feel like a cog already.., did you know that?

Well, that’s not my fault if you’re hypersensitive. Need some axle grease to get over yourself?

>>Happy Easter Sunday,

Hey, thanks Vince. You sound like you had a happy Easter too. You know we laughed really hard at this, right? You also knew we were all elitist bureaucrat pricks anyway, didn’t you? If you’re going to take the time to carpet-bomb us with passive-aggressive insults then I think you need to spell check a little more efficiently- it really makes you look like a moron if you can’t spell, but you don’t have time for menial things like that, right? You’re a techie! Your brain works so much more efficiently than mine! Why did you feel the need to get all worked up about this? Did you need a new crusade this morning? If you’re so offended you don’t need to apply- seems like you overreacted and took certain hiring processes as a personal insult. That was a childish and stupid thing to do, but nevertheless very funny at 945am. Thanks for brightening our morning, and feel free to apply for any position at UCSB you feel you are qualified for. You’re entitled to be treated like everyone else, or at least you were. Now we’ll remember you and laugh harder.

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