April 19, 2002

No, I said "Make it stop!"

Yet another survey, this time from Sam...

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD YOUR HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Wow, whoah there dude- what's with the giant all-caps? Dost we posseseth compensatory issues? I suppose I can deal with that. Let's try our "inside voice", shall we?

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? Hmmm, this doesn't seem to be getting better, so I guess I'll move on. Oops, forgot to answer the first question. For the record, I would not build my house. I'm far too lazy and unskilled in the arts of carpentry and cardboard-box fashioning to accomplish such a task. Indeed, my suburbian adolescence has instilled in me the fantastic ability to find comfort in said boxes, provided that they are accessorized with red-tile roofs, slathered in stucco-ish compounds, and sold by the realty firm that Adrienne Gaboury's dad works for (I forget the name, but it's real estate, so who gives a fuck?). As for #2, my favorite article of clothing is anything that fits. My last physical did not present me with my ideal weight, but since I abhor strenuous exercise (What? I bike to work and walk on the beach- I'm not a total slouch) I'm learning to deal with myself and dress appropriately.

3. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? I'd like to say something cool like "the midriff" but I too dig the entire package. However, if the entire package is great but the pretty face is missing then forget it!

4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT? "Free All Angels" by Ash. They're a Loud Rock Band from Downpatrick in Ireland. No, I haven't actually listened to it yet, but I have a single or two from that album, so I'm not totally slagging it off.

5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? Your Mom's house. I know, I know, I won't start that again (see December 2001 survey), but it is my favorite place to be, after all.

6. WHERE IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? Right now, my least favorite place to be is at work (by bizarre coincidence, I'm at work right now!). Why, you ask? Hey, are you in California right now, like me? Look out the damn window!! It's a fantastically gorgeous day out there right now, and I'm stuck inside doing dumb office stuff. Gee, that was a bit rude of me, actually. Someone needs to sort out their life, don't you think? I mean, someone's obviously not happy with eight hours of their day, now are they?

7. WHERE IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? Uh, the ego. I enjoy my ego-stroking just as much as the next self-important jerk.

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? I think I successfully answered this question in #6 above. The last time I actually "worked out" to become strong in body was about 3 weeks ago, and afterwards I was unable to perform even the most basic motor skills, so I've sworn off things like that. Strong in mind would be nice, but I've become increasingly stupid over the years, and the scariest thing is I don't know why. Gaah!!

9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? 6:15 am. Actually, that's when Emily wakes up, and that usually stirs me a little before I pass out for another 45 minutes. I'd like to be able to do what she does, but then again she also loses consciousness at like 10pm, and I've still got stuff to do.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHOW? The Daily Show or The Simpsons. I watch way too much TV these days, and I actually wish I didn't. I've recently instituted a ban upon any network nightly news in my house, as I detest being bombarded with shit right when I come home from work. It hits me where it hurts the most.

11. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? The new Turbo-Ginsu knife-o-rama! It slices, it dices, it leaps small children in a single bound, it makes Marylin Manson cry, it does your homework, it checks for thongs at Prom, it takes email surveys, it audits tax returns, it processes passport forms, it changes diapers, it displays stock quotes, it makes Enron jokes, it offers encyclopedic anecdotes at the drop of a hat- basically anything you want. Yep, there's nothing it can't do- simply fire up this fucker and get out of the way!

12. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? The misfortune of others. haHA (with flourish)! No no, of course that's not true. Lots of things make me laugh, like stupid puns, but I laugh derisively ("HAHaha!") at pretty much anything that utterly demolishes the bloated pretensions of self-important assholes (hey, like me!).

13. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Bass guitar. Imagine that!

14. IF THERE WAS A MOVIE MADE ABOUT YOU, WHAT CURRENT/FORMER HOLLYWOOD STAR WOULD PLAY YOU? Vince Vaughan would have to gain some weight to play me. He'd also have to stay outta them bar fights. Billy Corgan would have to shrink, gain weight, and get a tan to play me. I've been told I look like both of them. I don't see it but I won't deny it. Don't know about any former stars either.

15. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Yes, and we all go to Pittsburgh if we're good and Cleveland if we're bad. If we're normal we go to Los Angeles, and if we're really, really bad we go to Maui. No, I didn't reverse any of those. I've read my Paradise Lost and Book of Revelations, thanks very much. Think about it: if we're good we go to Pittsburgh and stay in a 5-star hotel with plush cushiony beds and a harem of attendants; bad people go to Cleveland and have to play in the fetid Cuyahoga River all day. Normal people go to LA and it's pretty much the same. Evil people go to Maui and are kept in a greenhouse with no sunscreen. Mouhahahahaha!!

16. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? You know, I think Sam bested us all on this one. I won't be able to top her enthusiastic suggestion: "'The Magic Bone' by William Steig!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Heh heh heh. You said.... oh never mind.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Used to be fall but now it's spring/summer. You'd think I'd hate spring and summer cause I'm indoors 40 hours a week, but in fact I like them lots more because of the higher possibility of booking outdoor gigs. Not that we have any, of course, but you get the point. Maybe.

18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE? Actually, to her vast and unflappable credit Emily tackles many of the more gruesome household chores. I like to think it's because she's being nice to me but I'm pretty sure it's cause she doesn't trust me to do as good of a job as she will. I do the big-dumb-male grunt work like moving furniture and stuff, which might make you think that I never do the dishes. Well I do. All the time. I guess my least favorite household chore would be cleaning up after all the filthy guys I live with, but since I don't live with filthy guys anymore I'm set!

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Since I'm so paranoid, it would have to be knowing for sure when people are lying to me, and what they're really hiding from me when they lie. That would have freaked my dad right out, for sure, not to mention a handful of ex-girlfriends. Of course, an even better super power would be to just not worry about any of that crap, but that's far beyond the bounds of my mere mortal comprehension.

20. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT AND WHERE IS IT? I have a bass clef (looks kind of like a 9 with colon mark for you non-music folks) on my left shoulder blade, cause I play bass guitar. It's probably the only thing I won't be ashamed of in 35 years, assuming I'll still be able to play by then. Arthritis and carpal tunnel set in early among guitarists, secretaries, and writers. As of right now I'm all three of those things simultaneously, so as you can see I'm doomed.

21. WHAT SONG SHOULD YOU HAVE WRITTEN? "Until The End Of The World" by U2. Where the hell would we be without Judas, anyway?

22. DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS? Dogs, even though they're messier. Cats are too damn pretentious, and as far as I'm concerned, there's no one allowed in my house who's more egomaniacal and selfish than me.

23. WHAT IS IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? I....don't know what you're talking about. That's not my car.

24. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU E-MAIL THIS TO, WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? Bryn. He always has to one-up me with these things, even though it so rarely happens. Sorry B, you'll have to settle for being the frontman.

25. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU E-MAIL THIS TO, WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Sam. I got this from her, and she promised one time to never give me anything bad. I believe her too, so neener neener.

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