March 02, 2004

Don't Answer That, You Idiot!

Calpundit notes that Kerry was asked "Is God On America's Side?" by that chickenshit hack Elisabeth Bumiller during the New York debate. Matt Welch has crafted his own little set of follow-ups. I, too, have a special relationship with the Q&A format. Hence:

* What if the whole universe was like a single speck on the fingernail of some dude sitting in a Starbucks or something?
Like, wow! Oh god man, what if?!? You think that, like, the dude might have been my buddy Owen when he was like, working there or something?

* Does God love Guam and Puerto Rico just a little less? The District of Columbia? American Samoa?
No, the big guy clearly does not love DC. Even the knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers know that. Murder capital of the country, and it has to deal with Marion Berry's snortage? American Samoa is loved, however. Not to the degree it should have been, but hey, there's only so much divine love to go around, which leaves Guam out. Sorry guys. Oh, and Puerto Rico too. If God truly loved Puerto Rico then He wouldn't have inflicted its 600+ year history of shame and degradation upon it.

* What if all this was a dream, and you woke up & you were the president of Mexico?
Then I'd be assassinated by forces in favor of someone prettier, like say Gael Garcia Bernal. Not in the capital, mind you; they'd wait til I was in some torn up border town like Juarez or Tijuana so they could blame it on the yahoo anti-immigrant trigger-happy gringos.

* Do non-human animals believe in oral sex?
Sure, monkeys do. Lest thou forget the 11th Commandment: "Everything shall be more fun with monkeys!"

* If I tackled your wife and stole her socks, what would be the very first thing you'd do?
I'd let her chase you around the world to get her damn socks back. Hey man, she'd probably kick your ass a lot worse than I would.

* Who wins the arm-wrestling contest: Jesus or John Travolta?
Jesus would win, no contest. Not cause he's the Son of God or anything like that, but cause Travolta is just a dumb bastard who's squandered not one, but two comebacks. Jesus got his chance for a comeback and man, according to some folks, Bro Came Back.

* Do you agree that the music from The Lord of the Rings was in fact the very worst thing about the whole 43-hour trilogy, especially that ear-scraping treacly nonsense with the ethnic flute (to say nothing of the Annie Lennox "song"), and that they should not have won those Academy Awards?
Why are you insulting the Democratic process? Don't you believe in the Rule Of Law? Hell, it worked in Florida, didn't it? Why can't you sniveling pricks just grow up and move on? Clearly, God is on the side of the Kiwis. Run. Run and hide, you queasy American scum.

* Who killed Tupac?
Bryn says Fear Of A Black Hat, but I say they were outta town at the time.

* Quick, and no looking at your notes -- Who is the president of Turkshittystan?
George W. Bush, of course.

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