November 27, 2004

Worthless Spew Part 2: Oliverstonexander the Great

It actually wasn't as bad as I feared. The film charged through the biography but for the most part the accepted history (or legend) was faithfully presented. Stone may go for the salacious or sensational, but the thing is, this story really was salacious and sensational. Almost every screwed-up thing in the movie is basically true. According to most historians, that is, and not to excessively macho Greek-Floridian lawyers who are shocked, shocked, that Alexander was presented (truthfully, I'll add) as bisexual, and deny this vehemently. Hey guys- news flash: everyone in Hellas was bi back then. Lighten the fuck up. Bisexual Alexander could take all of you with every limb and his dick tied behind his back. Drunk. So could his boyfriend, his eunuch, and his bonkers wife.

Anyway- the movie was kinda like a combo of Peter Greene's pragmatism and Mary Renault's idealism. Oh, and Colin Farrel looks like he could sing for Creed. That's not good, but casting a party animal as the drunken military genius was smart. Same with Angelina Jolie as the crazy-ass bitch that was his mother. The maps, however, sucked. I say this as a geography geek who knows full well that the last comment doesn't matter at all. Also, yes, Indians (you know, from India) are probably correct when they say their ancestors beat back this crazy bastard and made him go home. Why? Hey, the dude didn't let mutiny stop him at least 3 times. The Indians almost killed him. You do the math.

But damn. Rosario Dawson. I said god-damn.


  1. Anonymous11:06 AM

    Hmm, dare I venture to see that movie then?? Colin Farrell IS kinda hot...even if he is a drunken party guy...and he's got the sexy Irish accent. Hmm. Hehe and what would a historical movie review from Keir be without a critique of the accuracy of the maps. :)


  2. None of that matters, Jennifer. Rosario gets naked.


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