October 25, 2007

Squint and You Can See the Sox' Pinstripes


(AP) BOSTON- For the third year in a row, it looks as if baseball fans will be subjected to a boring-as-whale-shit World Series Sweep, as the Boston Red Sox dismembered the Colorado Rockies in game one by a score of 13-1.

The Rockies' fabled Cinderella postseason 20-for-21 win streak came to a shuddering, brutal end when, after an eight-day layoff of their own making (by defeating Arizona early) in the snows of Denver, the Rockies' bats fell silent against Boston ace pitching android Josh Beckett, who had his way with Colorado's lineup despite fronting ridiculously juvenile facial hair.

That was it for the game, but who cares? The burgeoning crowds of Red Sox Nation savored their dominance and confidently bloated their egos across America when their team finally became what they'd always hated and feared: the New York Yankees.

"Fuck off," Sox fans will say, and maybe they'd be right, because does it really matter if Boston has the 2nd-highest payroll after New York, and the 2nd-highest East-Coast-Baseball-Snobbery quotient?* No, it doesn't, because both are American League teams, and therefore heretical, false, and arrogant by nature, even when they have 90-year chips on their shoulders.

Besides, the game would still have been terrible, broadcast as it was on the carnival of idiocy that is Fox Sports, and called by the hapless team of Buck & McCarver. Joe Buck has spent most of his recent history stoically dealing with the blatant, horrid ineptitude of his partner, ex-Cardinal catcher Tim McCarver, whose stupid mistakes and irrelevant insights charm no one and shame us all.

As for Colorado, their goose may be cooked for good. They're already losing tonight as well, 2-1, and may stagger back to Denver for the weekend's games down 0-2 in the best-of-four series. I ask you, my own San Diego Padres, was it worth it, you hosers? Was it worth blowing your division lead and then dropping a one-game playoff to the Rocks just to see them humiliated so viciously?

Perhaps, but the city of San Diego has much nastier things to worry about this week. Indeed, Tony Gwynn himself had to evacuate his family when the monstrous firestorm came too close to his Poway mansion.

But enough of that. There was one other topic I was requested to spew about, but Rudy Giuliani is so congenitally foul and venal that I don't think I can spare any bile for his sorry ass tonight. There will be many, many more nights between now and next November, Rudy, for us to get bent at each other. For now, I'll just say Fuck You and anyone who'd vote for you. That is all.

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*This quotient is a real phenomenon. While visiting Fenway Park in 2005 (when the Sox failed to make the postseason), my wife and I were subjected to the bubbly smugness of our ditzy 21st century Fenway staff tour guide, who, when I asked her which teams she liked to see play in Fenway besides the Sox and Yankees, snidely replied "there are no other teams, DUH."

UPDATE (immediately!): I have not spoken in error; Rockie MVP Matt Holliday has made his 5th trip to 1st base, the most consistent Rockie hitting performance of the night. He is promptly picked off by Sox closer (and celebrated Dancing Queen) Jonathan Papelbon, who caught Holliday sneaking off the base and picked him clean off, finishing the 8th inning on a play of staggeringly inept baserunning by a big man who should have known better.

Good night, Rockies.

Cross-posted: dd ( as a comment).

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