June 15, 2008

I Will Speak Ill of the Dead

In light of the recent passing of one Mr. Russert, many in the blogosphere have tried to note that, well, the ensuing hagiography is kind of morbid and weird. Those people have been vociferously shouted down by others who demand that "we not speak ill of the dead." Well, I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna speak badly of the illest of the ill.

Adolf Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead, a one-balled, stunted, sexually-frustrated revenge junkie who had the gall to manipulate his entire nation's feelings of post-WWI inadequacy only to completely wreck it all in a king-hell, epic case of death-by-cop. Oh, and fuck him for killing all those innocent people in such horrible ways.

Josef Stalin was an illiterate pigfucker who clawed his way to the top of the Soviet pyramid by killing a bunch of pansy academics who'd never been in a real fight in their lives. As icing on the cake, he took their pretty little redistributive theories and deployed them with all the subtleties available to his tiny back-country brain. Fuck him sideways for killing all those innocent people, too.

Alexander of Macedon was a power-mad pretty boy who saw fit to inflict his sick and twisted Oedipus complex upon every ancient civilization he could get his fey little hands on. After that, the egomaniacal little brat saw fit to not even care that everything he did would turn to shit after his death. Oh, and he was short, too. And fuck him as well for killing all those people way back when.

Napoleon Bonaparte was fucking French, okay? Let's get that one on the table right away. Well, Corsican, but close enough. And short. And crazy enough to force his army of pliant cheese-eaters to march into Russia IN WINTER with what can only be described as a deranged, morbid attempt at an own-goal. He took a country mired in violent, bloody post-revolutionary fallout and made it even worse. Fuck him on general principles.

Mao Tse-Tung forced everyone stupid enough to follow him on a wild-goose chase through the ugly boondocks of his destroyed country just because he fucking could. Plus he killed lots of people. And, like the previous assholes I've mentioned, the dude had absolutely zero sense of humor. Fuck him AND his Great Leaps and Cultural Revolutions.

Gaius Caligula married his sister and made his horse a goddamned senator (wait, is that a sense of humor? Does he belong on this list?), all the while single-handedly laying bare his family's disgusting imperial lifestyle by maiming his slaves, humiliating his legionaires, conducting perverse and decadent mass orgies with his courtiers, and speeding his civilization toward further dictatorial decline by forcing his own guards to kill him.

Hernando Cortez was so fucking fox-crazy that he got away with destroying an entire civilization of ruthless, violent, cannibalistic overlord Aztecs. Not only that, but his lackeys like De Soto and Alvarado learned well, and exported his skills across the continent, killing even more natives and raping their women.

Obviously, I could go on. Idi Amin, General Tojo, the Duke of Wellington, Saddam Hussein, Richard Nixon, Pablo Escobar, Pinochet, Pol Pot. But you get the picture. Oh- hang on, here's another: Andrew Jackson looooooved killin' them Injuns too. Wait, but he was an American, and a president to boot, so that makes it completely different. Right? Hmmmm....

Bonus video- Tim Russert vs. Hunter S. Thompson:

Cross-posted: dkos, pff.

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