September 27, 2008

Mighty Radical Awesome Power in the Sandbox


One area in which I think the U.S. Army trumps every organization in history is its unmatched skill for employing acronyms. MRAP, MRE, FUBAR- you don't need a fucking English degree to own this language, you just need to strip out all the excess crap. The flip side is of course re-filling the spaces with whatever the hell you need there at the time. Anyway, today the Captain checked in with all of us via the magic of email, and reported on the latest and greatest in sandbox-ride-pimpin':

I just got back from a semi-nice week up in Baghdad doing some MRAP training and thought I would drop you all a line. What the hell is MRAP training you might ask? Well, if you must know it stands for Mine Resistant Ambush Protected and is simply a type of truck. And when I say truck, I mean it is the V shaped hull truck that all the politicians made a bunch of noise about last year. So now they are all over Iraq and they are pretty damn safe which is a nice feature but they are also really freakin' big and ride rough as hell, which are not so nice features.
MRAP Training? Very educational, I'm sure, but just to do some CYA, let's apply theacronym test: MRAP: Massive Reconnaisance Automobile Preparation. Many Repetetive Arrogant Punishments. Mighty Radical Awesome Power? I think that would pretty much cover it, but I've never driven a tank. The Captain has, though. He continues:
The truck is actually a modified dump truck and it drives like one so it isn't exactly a Cadillac. Of course, subject your Coupe De Ville to a large artillery round and it won't be a Cadillac either. So we drove this big dump truck thing in circles for a while until the contractor in charge deemed us ready for the road. I never really thought that as my career as an officer progressed I would acquire neat skills like driving a dump truck but seriously, if things don't work out with the Army at least I have Plan B.
Now, a hybrid tank-dump truck is truly something else. You could take that bastard on a tour of every monster truck rally in the country and stomp everyone flat while making a shitload of money. I mean, would those other guys have on-board artillery? I'm thinking no. If it can take Mesopotamian combat, it can damn well take Anaheim Stadium on Sunday Sunday Sunday. Mark my words, man- once this shit is all over, there will be a surfeit of differently-skilled MRAP drivers looking for work, and who better to snap them right up than the very same contractors who trained you guys how to drive these things?

Ah, who am I kidding; we'd have to clear lots of devious logistical hurdles before deploying this shit on the American monster truck circuit. What's the gas mileage like? I know, I know, you wouldn't think that would matter in the confines of a fenced-in, mud-covered stadium floor, but as any physicist knows, "you need to spend money to make money," and- no no, wait, I remember now- it was actually "objects in motion stay in motion, objects at rest stay at rest." People gave Isaac Newton all manner of shit for celebrating his supposed virginity, but the dude drank mercury and invented calculus (or something like that), so I think as long as we adhere to his "Principia Mathematica" when considering fuel costs, as well as repairs, detailing, munitions, and driver salaries, we'll be okay.

And that, my friends, is where we can finally make use of the Captain's excellent tank-centered band name from three years ago: "Jam Nut Actuator and the Tubeless Regroovers" would walk tall and kick ass every night by backing up our MRAPs with the slipperiest funk grooves this side of Philly. I mean, how many other monster-truck sponsors would retain an entourage worthy of George Clinton himself? Hell, I bet that if we shelled out enough dough- not to mention other enhancements, of course- we could get the Head Parlimentarian on board this crazy gravy train.

Yeah, and never mind the logistics and red tape at that point, man. If we can swing Mr. "Tear the Roof off the Sucker" then we can deal with those scurvy shyster promotion companies, not to mention their cheapjack servants in commercial radio advertising. Hell, we could make millions. So double down on that MRAP training, Captain; make sure you go back and renew your license every year like the law mandates, and don't take any shit about those goddamn smog check requirements. Once you're back here for good, we've got one hell of a niche market to conquer.

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