November 27, 2009

Pompous Pontifications for Two Thousand Ten

It's that time again, folks: we're all about to be inundated with not only year-ending, but decade-ending "best-of" and "coming soon" lists, so I thought I'd do as the Romans do and pile on like gangbusters. Since I got the impetus from David Garland's marketing predictions on Rise Underground, I'll do the professional thing and pretend to be knowledgeable about these things too. See, unlike Garland, I have no resources to back myself up, but that's never really stopped me before, now has it? So this is more what I'd like to see happen, instead of what will happen. Let's get to it, then:

ONE: Blind, Dumb Panic Will Continue to Drive Sales
Because you can never go wrong betting on herd behavior when it comes to business, right? Depending on nebulous ideas and tenuous concepts has been the name of the game for years, but scratching and clawing for better deals will never go out of style. Hurry, or someone else will get the shit that is rightfully yours!

TWO: Keeping Up With Everything Will Be Passé
Appearing current and with it, and actually being that, are obviously two very different things. I predict people will have less and less patience for doing so—except when they're in the throes of blind, dumb panic.

THREE: Taking Everything Seriously Will Be Boring
Happily, the onslaught of earnest, do-goody impulses has not overwhelmed the national psyche since the inauguration of Barack Obama. I do like the guy, and he knows how to market himself, but humorless idealism makes me snore. Why? I am an unapologetic child of the ironic '90s, that's why, and I don't have any patience for other self-important "experts in their field." Even though I'm behaving like one right now.

FOUR: Positive Thinkers Will Be Harshly Discredited
Having self-confidence and setting goals is one thing, but clinging desperately to bogus what-if scenarios and other empty self-help denialist bullshit like that will fall out of favor in lieu of steely-eyed, ruthless pragmatism. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?

FIVE: Professional Arrogance Will Be Rightly Crucified
This can't happen fast enough. I am so, so tired of the clubby, exclusionary snobbery of so-called professionals, in any field—and I am one. Look, it's one thing to be good at something and love doing it and getting paid for that—and it's quite another to sneak into the closing door and slam it shut behind you just to cover your own ass and keep the riffraff out. I saw enough of that crap when I was in struggling indie bands, and I see it all the time in marketing. It's wretched, fearful behavior—until I do it. Then it's just good business.

Okay, more on all this silly stuff later. I've got a dinner date, so toodles.


  1. Regarding #1: Just ask the Swiss, eh? Though it could be debated as to whether their recent vote was driven more by fear or prejudice. Well, one leads to the other, right? It's like a two way street between Dumbassville and Shithead City.

    Regarding #2: What makes this more sad and pathetic is that keeping up with everything has never, ever been easier than it is now. Not only do we have instantaneous global communication (or near enough) but we also have, through our good ol' friend the Series of Tubes, more information instantly available upon demand than anyone since the last head of the fucking Library of Alexandria, which was then burned by Christians because it contained said information. Hm. Knowledge is Power, indeed -- but that doesn't mean that ignorant savages don't have their own special type of mob-mentality herd animal strength.

  2. If you are right about numbers 2-5, I am going to have a GREAT year coming up because I am already ahead of the pack!

  3. @ Bryn: I just heard about the Swiss minaret thing today. Well, the Nazis kept their money there for a reason, right? Speaking of fascism, should it be any surprise that Republicans hate Net Neutrality?

    @ Gage: Don't get cocky. The pack is gaining on you. You know what happens to Canadians when they get lazy, right? They become Americans. :)


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