October 28, 2012

Part III of "...I Was in a Band Once Called..."

Threequel to the original dumb band names post and its sequel from a few months ago. Not sure how old some of these are, so I think we'll call this the "Special (Mostly) Election 2012 Edition." Duck and cover:

"I was in a band once called Eeyores Of The Left. Our big hit song was called 'Oh Pooh.' We wore black and shoegazed all day." (to Amanda Marcotte)

"I was in a band once called Gorbachev Sunburn. Our big hit was 'Wormwood Fallout Blues.' (to...I can't remember)

"I was in a band once called Novelty Couch Meme. Our big hit song was 'Charlie Don't Surf.' We toured the living rooms of America." (to KK Holland, who responded "the hit single was 'Sofa King Big!'")

"I was in a band once called Coco Lederhosen. Our big hit song was 'Cuckoo for Krautrock.'" (to Matt Welch)

"I was in a band once called Neck Uvula. Our hit song was 'Super Big Gulp Blues.'" (to John Scalzi, the king of band names)

"I was in a band once called The Replacement Refs. Our big hit song was 'Peeling Scabs.'" (to Michelle Via Jones)

"I was in a band once called Well Rehearsed Zingers. Our big hit song was 'That's Gonna Leave a Mark.'" (to, uh, I can't remember this either.)

"I was in a band once called The Paul Ryan Experience. Our big hit was 'The Bronson from Wisconsin.'" (to Josh Marshall)

"I was in a band once called Binders Full of Women. Our big hit song was 'Trap Her, Keep Her.'" (to Emma Nesper Holm)

"I was in a band once called Sucky Checkout Flow. Our big hit song was 'Someone's Gonna Pay For This.'" (to Whitney Hess)

A few good ones in there, but mostly otherwise. Ah, who cares. New York is about to get hit with a hurricane, the Giants just won the world series, I'm turning a year older next week, and then soon after that we'll be rid of this eternal presidential election campaign.

October 20, 2012

Offensively Huge Election Yard Sign Sweepstakes: East Ventura Edition!

My neighborhood tends to be 1) dominated by huge ugly yard signs for jerky conservative candidates, and 2) flooded with junk mail by squishy liberal candidates, so as a squishy liberal myself, I usually assume that the bigger the yard sign, the jerkier the conservative. In 2012, that comes down to three guys: Tony Strickland (U.S. Congress), Mike Stoker (State Senate), and Bob Roper (County Supervisor). Let's find out who wins the all-East-Ventura insecure-projection smackdown, shall we?

Round 1 (above): Corner of Harbor & Olivas Park
Okay, so clearly all three candidates are lording it over their opponents (Dems Julia Brownley and Hannah-Beth Jackson; supe Steve Bennet doesn't even bother here). While Stoker and Strickland have the bigger signs, for some reason, Roper felt compelled to stake not one, but two claims to this intersection. His buddies in the local Big Ag companies clearly demand satisfaction. Advantage: Roper.

Round 2: Corner of Harbor & Seaward
Tony Strickland is basically conceding this big empty lot in at the entrance to Pierpont. Stoker, who is pretending to be independent in that silly superficial way that many California Republicans do, is apparently making a grab for the Pierpont beach-bum constituency. The farm fields are close enough for Roper to make inroads, however. Advantage: Roper, for acting like empty dirt is a fallow field.

Round 3: Corner of Main & Telegraph
Poor Tony Strickland is clearly falling behind. What a wanker. This ugly empty lot can always be counted on for ugly Republicanism—in 2008 it had a garish, gargantuan "McCain/Palin" sign—so I use it as a good indicator of who NOT to vote for. Stoker is clearly keeping pace with Roper here, but the latter nevertheless still has the sack to invade the hospital district. Advantage: neither. The contest holds steady. Oh the suspense.

Round 4: Market & Valentine
Holy insecure projection, Batman. Nothing says confidence like this hideous thing. Monster truck tires, seven coats of paint, and flags. "I'VE GOT FLAGS, MOFOS!" Bennet better get his own all-terrain-campaign-vehicle or he'll risk losing his supe seat. As for the other two dingbats in our contest, they didn't even bother. Strickland and Stoker obviously realize who the big dick in East Ventura is. Advantage, and win, to Bob Roper.

Come to think of it, there was one jerky conservative candidate that failed to assert his manhood via Big Ugly Yard Signs. Yep, this guy:

No wonder Romney looks so pissed. Bahahahaha. Ventura County went Obama in 2008, at (if I recall correctly) the same percentage split as the national vote. My guess is Romney won't win it this year either.

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