October 20, 2012

Offensively Huge Election Yard Sign Sweepstakes: East Ventura Edition!

My neighborhood tends to be 1) dominated by huge ugly yard signs for jerky conservative candidates, and 2) flooded with junk mail by squishy liberal candidates, so as a squishy liberal myself, I usually assume that the bigger the yard sign, the jerkier the conservative. In 2012, that comes down to three guys: Tony Strickland (U.S. Congress), Mike Stoker (State Senate), and Bob Roper (County Supervisor). Let's find out who wins the all-East-Ventura insecure-projection smackdown, shall we?

Round 1 (above): Corner of Harbor & Olivas Park
Okay, so clearly all three candidates are lording it over their opponents (Dems Julia Brownley and Hannah-Beth Jackson; supe Steve Bennet doesn't even bother here). While Stoker and Strickland have the bigger signs, for some reason, Roper felt compelled to stake not one, but two claims to this intersection. His buddies in the local Big Ag companies clearly demand satisfaction. Advantage: Roper.

Round 2: Corner of Harbor & Seaward
Tony Strickland is basically conceding this big empty lot in at the entrance to Pierpont. Stoker, who is pretending to be independent in that silly superficial way that many California Republicans do, is apparently making a grab for the Pierpont beach-bum constituency. The farm fields are close enough for Roper to make inroads, however. Advantage: Roper, for acting like empty dirt is a fallow field.

Round 3: Corner of Main & Telegraph
Poor Tony Strickland is clearly falling behind. What a wanker. This ugly empty lot can always be counted on for ugly Republicanism—in 2008 it had a garish, gargantuan "McCain/Palin" sign—so I use it as a good indicator of who NOT to vote for. Stoker is clearly keeping pace with Roper here, but the latter nevertheless still has the sack to invade the hospital district. Advantage: neither. The contest holds steady. Oh the suspense.

Round 4: Market & Valentine
Holy insecure projection, Batman. Nothing says confidence like this hideous thing. Monster truck tires, seven coats of paint, and flags. "I'VE GOT FLAGS, MOFOS!" Bennet better get his own all-terrain-campaign-vehicle or he'll risk losing his supe seat. As for the other two dingbats in our contest, they didn't even bother. Strickland and Stoker obviously realize who the big dick in East Ventura is. Advantage, and win, to Bob Roper.

Come to think of it, there was one jerky conservative candidate that failed to assert his manhood via Big Ugly Yard Signs. Yep, this guy:

No wonder Romney looks so pissed. Bahahahaha. Ventura County went Obama in 2008, at (if I recall correctly) the same percentage split as the national vote. My guess is Romney won't win it this year either.

1 comment:

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